


I won't give up

by Phanteasers



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 21:37:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phanteasers/pseuds/Phanteasers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has a fatal injury in a car accident. Dan has to survive without him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

1

“Where is he?” Dan burst into the hospital, searching for Phil “What happened?”  
A kind nurse escorted him to a seat outside the room Phil was in. He sat down and looked up at the nurse with worried tears in his eyes.   
“You can stay here until he wakes up, then you can see him” her soft voice echoes through the dark grey emptiness of the hospital corridor. A door stood in front of Dan, labelled ‘Room 34A, Philip Lester’  
“Can’t I just go in now?” Dan asked with a small voice “just for a minute?”   
The nurse looked at him with sympathetic eyes “Go on then, just a minute, then you can wait out here”  
Dan stood up, his skinny, black jeans crinkling over his shaking legs. He pushed the door open and walked over to where Phil lay, covered with the hospital bed sheets. His hand hung over the bed, loosely. His eyes were closed. The heart monitor he was attached to beeped with every beat of Phil’s heart.   
“Phil,” Dan sat next to his friend on a plastic chair next to him “Oh god Phil, what have you got yourself into”  
Dan took Phil’s warm hand in his own cold hand and squeezed it, gently.   
“I hope you’re okay, Phil” Dan whispered, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He could feel Phil’s smile now, just like whenever they were together. Phil was a naturally smiley person, so optimistic and always happy.   
Dan stayed silent for a while, just holding Phil’s limp hand, pressing his face into the bed Phil lay on. He waited for the nurse to come and collect him from Phil, to take him away from his best friend, to separate them once more, as if they hadn’t been separated enough.   
Dan was curious about what had happened to Phil after he went out that night. What had he got himself into that put him into this state? It was unbearable, the unknown eating away at him.  
The nurse opened the door and peered around, her kind face watching him.   
“Sorry, Dan, it’s time to leave him now” she said to him  
Dan walked out, obediently, but took one last look at Phil before he left. Phil remained quiet, motionless. Not moving at all.   
He sat outside the room with the nurse, where he could finally ask her what he had been dying to know since he got the call telling him to come straight to the hospital.  
“Will he be okay?” Dan asked, looking down at his lap. The nurse came and sat next to him on the waiting chairs  
“Hopefully, but there was some serious damage done in the accident” she answered. This wasn’t the answer Dan was hoping for at all.   
“What did happen in the accident?” Dan looked up at her. She looked concerned for Dan, and sympathetic. Something about her calmed Dan, as she answered him.  
“He was…he was being driven home, and the driver had been, um, drinking.” She said, frowning into her lap, avoiding eye contact with Dan  
Dan sighed “please tell me how bad the injuries are?” he shut his eyes tight, so he wouldn’t have to look at the nurse while she told him  
“Well, I’m not sure yet, I guess we’re just going to have to wait.” She said softly “do you want anything? A coffee? Snacks?”   
“A coffee please.” Dan answered  
As soon as she left, Dan put his head into his hands and tried to calm himself. He was just meters away from Phil, who was getting weaker by the second. Dan tried to control himself, he wanted to punch whoever the driver was square in the face, and he would, to avenge his friend.   
He waited patiently for the nurse to return, and every second he was even more tempted to go back to Phil.  
Eventually, he stood up and opened the door a crack to see how Phil was. He was still in bed, lying motionless.  
“Phil?” he called to his friend, with the small slither of hope that Phil would sit up, completely fine and smile at Dan with his starry eyes. No answer though. Dan stepped back and shut the door. He sat back down and pulled his phone out. He had 3 missed calls from Phil.  
Dan took a breath. He could have been calling to ask for a lift home. He could have been fine if Dan just answered his damn phone. He could have been fast asleep in his own comfortable bed instead of unconscious in a lumpy hospital bed. Dan cursed, loudly, loud enough for everyone in the rooms in the hallway to hear him.  
He threw his phone down the hallway, not caring what happened to it. It was his fault that Phil was suffering. If only he had answered his damn phone!  
The nurse made her way down the hallway, stopping to pick up the phone, Dan and her Coffee in a little holder in her left hand. She looked at Dan, who looked back at her with sorrow in his hurt eyes.   
“Is this your phone?” She asked him  
“yes.” He said, and she handed it to him, cautiously, along with his hot coffee.   
He put his phone back in his pocket, and looked down at the Starbucks coffee cup in his hands. He would have normally taken a photo of his coffee and posted it on twitter with the caption ‘#Starbucks swag’  
But now was not the right time. He didn’t feel like moving, or speaking. He just wanted to see Phil.   
“Are you going to go home soon, Dan?” asked the nurse “it’s 3am.”  
“No, I’m fine. I want to be here when he wakes up” he replied blankly  
The nurse looked at him with a sad expression “You know, Dan, he might not even…” she stopped suddenly “okay, you stay here then. I need to do some work.”  
He knew what she was going to say though. She was going to tell him that Phil might not even wake up. She stood up and looked down at Dan, apologetically, before leaving him.   
When she was at the end of the hallway, she turned back to Dan, who was still looking down at his coffee, and she said to him “you can sit with him, if you want, as long as you don’t tell anyone” she winked at him  
He smiled, or as much of a smile as he could manage. He stood up and walked into Phil’s room. Phil was still lying, not moving at all and Dan sat next to him again.   
“Oh Phil,” he said, and tears had already began to spill down his tear-abused face “Oh Phil I’m so sorry”  
He leant his forehead into Phil’s mattress. He watched Phil as he sipped, silently at his coffee.   
His eyes started to grow heavy, so he drank his coffee quickly. He needed to keep awake, for Phil. Just in case he did wake.   
He looked at Phil again, his face shining in dim glow of the hospital room. The corners of Phil’s mouth twitched slightly, giving Dan the hope he needed to keep faith in his best friend.  
“Phil?” he stood up to look down at Phil, and Phil’s mouth twitched a bit, as if he wanted to reply but didn’t have the strength “wake up you jerk.”  
He knew that that wasn’t the right thing to say in this situation, but he said it anyway. It was something Phil would say to Dan if the places were reversed. He would have made a terrible “your mum” joke as well.   
“Please” Dan sat back down, losing faith  
“I won’t give up, Phil Lester, not today, or any day” he said, and then his eyelids slipped down and he was dragged into a deep sleep, his head lying on Phil’s arm, their fingers still intertwined together.


	2. Chapter 2

2

I awoke next to Phil, who was still lying, motionless. He hadn’t moved at all. I checked my phone for the time. It was 8:00 and I needed to get out before I was caught. I opened the door, slowly, checking for people, but the hallway was empty, except for a couple of children running about outside one of the rooms.   
I left the room and walked down the corridor with my hands in my trouser pockets. I left the hospital without a word and stepped into my car. I drove, but not back to my apartment. Not without Phil. That place would feel dark and empty without Phil’s presence with me. I never realized how alone I felt without Phil.   
I drove, with all the windows open, to the field, where I, as a teenager, would go to think. I would just sit there and sit, looking at the sky or the sun. I hadn’t needed to go there for years, and I didn’t want to go back there again, but it was the only place I could think of.   
I pulled up on the road next to the field. I stepped out and locked the car, then walked down the steep hill, to the field, where I lay in peace for hours.   
I watched the clouds on the unusually sunny day in England. I never wanted any of this to happen. I kept thinking about the three phone calls I missed, those three phone calls that could have saved a life. I let my tears flow from my watery eyes, not even bothering to wipe them away.  
A breeze rushed past me, and at that moment, my phone buzzed, telling me to answer.  
“Hello?” I answered. It was the hospital  
“is this Daniel Howell?” the woman on the other end asked  
“Yes, is everything okay?” I asked, frowning  
“Yes, everything is just fine, and everything is going well according to the doctors. We just wanted to call to ask if you wanted to stop by and visit Philip.”  
“Okay, thank you.” I answered a smile in my voice.  
I drove back to the hospital, hoping to find Phil sitting up in bed, with a bowl of soup or something.   
I walked back to his room, where a few doctors were crowded together, discussing. They looked up at me, and all smiled at me.   
“Go on in” said a blonde doctor, with stubble around his chin “But not for too long, he’s still weak.”  
I burst into the room, where Phil sits up, wearily in bed. He looks weak and broken though, not the same smiling Phil that I’ve known for years.   
He looks up at me, and immediately, a smile plants itself on his gloomy face, brightening the room.   
My coffee cup is still on the table next to him.   
“Were you in here last night?” he raises his eyebrows at me, gesturing to the coffee cup on the table  
“Yeah, for a bit” I held back the part where I cried into his bed and stayed there for hours.  
He points to the seat next to his bed and I go and sit on it “so how are you?” I ask him, smiling at my conscious friend  
“I’m getting better, I hope” he said “the doctors haven’t really said anything yet, but I’m not too good, a lot of pain.”  
“Poor you” I pat his arm; awkwardly “get better then. Who was it who drove you last night, and why did you call me three times before hand?”  
“Becca drove me home” Becca was Phil’s high school friend, but that’s all I knew about her “and I called you because I thought you might be worried I was so late.”  
I sighed “I was bloody worried, Phil, but not because you were late. The damn hospital rang me in the middle of the night, then told me you might not wake up”  
“Well, you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m awake” Phil said  
Then one of the doctors came in and asked me to wait outside. I obediently walked out, and smiled once more at Phil.   
I heard quiet talking through the door, but couldn’t make out anything that was being said. My knee bounced up and down, impatiently. I wanted to know what was happening, weather Phil was going to be okay.  
After a while, the doctor came out again and asked if I was okay.   
“I’m fine. But what’s going on? Will Phil be okay?” I frowned at the doctor, confused and curiously.  
“Phil is…” he stopped “Do you want to come with me?” I followed him down the hall, and he led me into a room with a display of Phil’s x-ray. He pointed to a mess of organs and intestines that I didn’t understand at all.   
He pointed to the tangle inside of my friend and said to me “here is where most of the damage hit.”   
“And?” I asked, still curious  
“The impact of the crash affected his internal organs, and there is a possibility of death, but we promise to do all we can to make him better” he spoke to me as if I was four years old.   
“So how long will he be in the hospital?” I asked  
“It’s hard to tell at this stage, sorry, but we will tell you everything we know as soon as we know it.”  
“Okay.” I said, my hands shaking as I walk out and run back down the corridor into Phil’s room. He had tears running down his cheeks too. I hated him seeing me like this. I wiped the tears away and sat next to him again.  
“It’ll be okay, Dan” Phil told me  
“Phil, what if it isn’t? What if you aren’t okay?”

“I’ll be okay, Dan” he said again  
I didn’t reply. We just sat there for a while, calming down, absorbing the information. Tears still stained my cheeks and dropped into my lap as I watched Phil fall asleep with the pills he was given.   
“I won’t give up, Dan Howell, not today or any day” he whispered to me, before falling asleep.   
Then they took him away from me again to try to help him. He was going to be okay, I told myself again and again.  
I was amazed that Phil could hear what I was saying in the hospital at night, even when he was unconscious.   
“Neither will I, Phil Lester” I whispered as I walked out to my car “neither will I.”


	3. Chapter 3

3

I found myself back at the apartment, alone. There was a strange eeriness about the apartment when Phil was gone. I waited by both my mobile and the landline, waiting for Phil or the hospital to call me again. I stayed on my laptop though, on Tumblr, with nothing else to do than bathe in my self-pity and self-loathe.  
I never realized how much I needed Phil. He sent me emails from the hospital, just short messages like “I miss you” and “I’m so bored”  
I kept telling myself to go to keep him company, but I knew that it will only hurt me more, and I wouldn’t even be able to see him anyway.   
I promise to come tonight, okay? When the doctors can’t tell me to leave   
I told him. I made myself some cereal before leaving again, getting back into the car to make my way back to the hospital.   
When I got there, I didn’t find the expected emptiness, but I found doctors all crowded around the hallway  
I walked up to one of them, slowly “what’s going on?” I said. He didn’t answer. He didn’t even take into account that I was there  
“What’s going on?” I repeated, sternly  
He looked up at me “huh? Oh right, you’re Dan, here to see Phil, right?”   
“right.” I answered him, plainly.  
“Well, we can see some serious damage in his internal organs, and the doctors are doing some serious operations, so I’m afraid that you won’t be seeing him right now” he said, looking back to the door, filled with anticipation  
“Damn” I breathed out, heavily “okay, well, when he wakes up, tell him I came, and call me”  
“Of course” The doctor smiled at me, then turned back and walked away. I was left alone, alone to wonder about Phil.  
I asked myself how I could leave him without feeling like a piece of shit afterwards, for leaving my best friend, who could be dead any minute, who would have wanted me to stay even if he was going to die.   
But we were in this together, and I couldn’t leave him, abandon him, at the moment he needed me the most.   
Phil lay in the room next to where I was sitting, for hours with no end. No one came out or went into that room for what seemed like forever. I felt like he wasn’t going to make it out alive. Damn Becca, I wanted to kill her for what she did to Phil. I didn’t care if it was an accident or plain stupidity; I wanted her to feel what Phil felt.   
I went to the main office, where Phil’s belongings were kept, his clothes, his wallet, phone and keys.   
I cleared my throat to make my presence known to the woman sitting there  
“Can I please take out Phil Lester’s phone?” I asked politely  
“I’m afraid that you’ll have to show some ID first.” She had the same voice as the woman who called me when I was in the field.   
“Sure.” I pulled out my driver’s license and showed it to her. She took one look at it and smiled at me  
“Dan Howell,” she said “of course. You’re Phil’s boyfriend?”  
“No,” I said, shaking my head, turning red “We’re friends”  
“It says here that you two are intimate”   
I said nothing, but she hands me Phil’s phone and I walked back to where Phil’s room was. The whole corridor was empty, and I couldn’t hear anything coming from his room. Not even the heart monitor beep.   
I unlocked Phil’s phone in one try, so predictable. I then scroll through his contacts to find Becca’s name with a picture of her. Curly blonde hair falling in ringlets to her shoulders, her angular face creating shadows over her neck and her large, green eyes and pouty, pink mouth, all of it made me feel sick. She was a vile creature.  
I pressed call and the phone rang twice. Then she answered, her soft voice ringing through my ears.   
“Phil?” she said  
“No,” I answered, monotone “It’s Dan”  
“Hey Dan!” she answered, perkily. I hated her, how could she be so happy when she caused this?  
“Don’t you know what you’ve done?” I answered, vile clogging up in my throat.  
“What?” She said “Don’t I know what? Dan what are you talking about?”  
“Phil’s in hospital” I said, now fuming. I wanted to punch that girl  
“Yeah, I’m also in hospital. I’ve broken a few bones, how’s Phil?” She asked so casually, as if nothing was wrong. As if I was going to tell her that Phil only has a head ache or something.  
“He’s got internal damage” I say “You may have killed him”  
I don’t regret what I said, because she completely deserved that. I could hear her breathing from the other end. She was crying.  
“I…” She started. “I’m sorry. I didn’t…I mean, Phil is…Oh my god… Why”  
I just hung up on her. I wasn’t going to listen to her pathetic apologies. She just wasn’t worth it. I let Phil’s phone vibrate in my lap when she called back. Just let it sit there. I didn’t decline; I just waited, and watched its violent shaking as Becca’s picture appeared on his screen.   
I waited outside of Phil’s room for a long time, but still nothing happened. I couldn’t even remember what the doctors were doing anymore. I waited and waited, and occasionally I stood up and let my knuckle hover over the door, then decided not to knock.   
Soon afterwards, a nurse came and told me to get a taxi home  
“Nothing interesting is going to happen, I’m afraid.” She told me  
“Do you think I’m waiting for something interesting?” I asked  
“Well, you’re not waiting to see a door stay closed, are you?” she rose her eyebrows at me “I advise you to go home”  
She had wrinkles around her eyes and her voice croaked. Her hair was turning slightly grey as well. She wore a nurse’s uniform, with a thick coat over it. It was slightly cold in the hospital, but I didn’t really see purpose for such a thick coat.  
“I want to be here” I said back to her. She tutted at me and shook her head  
“You’ll soon be asked to leave. There’s really no point in staying if you ask me” She began to walk down the corridor. I stood up, my eyes wide and filled with fury. Anger built up inside of me suddenly poured out of my mouth at this innocent nurse.  
“Do you think I asked for your opinion?!” I started to raise my voice “Do you think that I want to leave my dying friend alone for more than TWO SECONDS?”   
I started shouting at her and didn’t stop until all of my anger had been unleashed and let go of.   
“IS YOUR BEST FRIEND IN A HOSPITAL ROOM, DYING? NO. BUT MINE IS.” I looked straight at her and sighed “I don’t think you understand. My friend, with whom I have lived with, eaten with, and stayed with for four years is on the edge of life,”  
She looked at me with a scared and guilty look on her face. Tears started running down my cheeks, uncontrollably. She walked back towards me and put her arms around me, and I put my arms around her. I sobbed into her shoulder and then pulled away, sniffing and wiping away tears.   
“Sorry” I said, then ran. I ran out of the hospital and got into my car and drove away. Tears continued to stream down my face. I turned on the radio to block out the noise of my sobbing.   
“I won’t give up on us,   
even if the skies get rough  
I’m giving you all my love,  
I’ll keep looking up”  
The radio played. The song reminded me of him. Everything reminded me of him. The way the street lamps glowed, the way the road curved at every corner. It would always remind me of him.


	4. Chapter 4

4

I woke up in Phil’s bed. I didn’t even know how I got there, but I wasn’t going to move. It smelt like him. I breathed in his scent, the familiar smell of home. It was about half nine and I knew I should wake up, but being there made me feel like he was near me.   
Eventually, after a long ten minutes of crying into Phil’s old clothes, I pulled on his red t-shirt. And found myself some clean underwear and jeans from my room. I skipped breakfast, even though I hadn’t eaten for ages and was starving. I’d get something at the hospital. I pulled out of the driveway and drove to the hospital, quicker than I had ever gone before. I got there and pushed the doors open.   
I didn’t bother speaking to the woman at the front desk. I just went through to the long maze of corridors and found my own way there. His room still didn’t produce any sound.   
I waited all morning until a doctor came out with bloodshot eyes. Either he was very tired, or had been crying. I stood up and shook hands with this doctor. His grip was firm, and his hand calluses were deep.   
He had a mask over his mouth, his nose curled over it, and his blue eyes, red from tire or tears, were droopy.   
“How’s Phil?” I asked  
The doctor paused to look at me with those droopy, blue eyes.   
“Do you want to see him?” The doctor asked me, I nodded, and he opened the door for me.  
Phil lay on the bed, his pale face shining in the dim light. His eyes were shut, and I had to keep telling myself ‘he’s not dead, he’s not dead’  
It was hard to sit by him as each breath he drew was closer to death. He opened his eyes when I sat down.  
“Dan?” he breathed out, it sounded as if he was in pain “Is that you”  
“Yes, it’s me,” I said, already almost in tears “Phil it’s me.”  
Phil groaned and turned to face me. His cheeks were thinner, bones jutting out at his jaw line. His eyes were swollen, large, black holes. He was dying.  
“Dan.” He whispered, closing his eyes “I’m going to go”  
“No!” I said “you can’t! I won’t let you”  
Phil opened his eyes again, and at the same time, opened his mouth to speak “Dan,” he said “I tried. I tried to be strong” tears were in his eyes, and mine.   
“I can’t go on without you,” I told Phil, honestly  
“Dan-“ Phil started, but I cut him off before he could finish  
“No, Phil, I won’t let you go. You’re going to come home, one day” I told him, bringing hope back into his swollen eyes “You’ll be okay”  
“Swear?” he asked me. I paused. How could I swear a promise that I couldn’t be sure I could keep.  
“I promise, Phil” I told him, even though I wasn’t sure, there was no sign of doubt in my voice. I looked him in the eyes, his bright, blue eyes, blurry and clouded, and told him “You’ll be okay.”  
Phil smiled a small smile. It was depressing to see Phil so sad and in pain. He was normally the light to the room, but now the room is darkening. His light was dimming.   
“I can’t let you go” I shut my eyes, trying to contain the tears which struggled to escape. They dampened my eyelashes and blurred my vision “I won’t let you go again”   
Phil looked fuzzy through the tears in my eyes “Dan I’m not going to go.” He said, struggling for breath “Not now, not ever”  
Phil shut his eyes and drifted into sleep. I stayed by him, even when the lights went off and the room was pitch black. I stayed in silence with Phil until I too, drifted off.   
“I won’t give up, Phil Lester, not now, not ever” I sighed once more, before resting my head on Phil’s shoulder and sleeping. His warmth seeping through the cover and warming me, I felt his warmth, all through the night.   
I wished to be strong enough to carry him through this. I couldn’t let him go through it alone. I needed to hold him up.   
And that’s when the feeling sunk in:  
He was going to die.  
I shot up, rubbing my eyes from sleep. The room was still dark, and I couldn’t see anything. I felt for Phil’s hand, and gripping it in mine, I told him all I needed to  
“I need you Phil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making it a shorter chapter this time :(


	5. Chapter 5

5

I woke up again, in the same place. Phil was still sleeping, breathing gentle breaths in and out. I stood up, yawning and stretching at the same time. I let my arms hang limply at my sides, and walked out.   
There were a few doctors around, but other than that, the hallway was practically empty. I walked around for a while, giving my legs the first bit of a stretch in almost a week. I walked to the Starbucks, which was empty except for the lazy girl at the desk who was admiring her nails nonchalantly.   
I cleared my throat and she looked up “waddaya want?” she asked, with a bored tone to her voice, as if she couldn’t care less.  
“Can I just have a cappuccino?” I asked, sighing  
She filled up a paper Starbucks cup and handed it to me. I gave her the money and walked off.   
I didn’t know where to go after that. I couldn’t go back to Phil’s room; it was too sad and lonely. I couldn’t really go anywhere, so I found a deserted hallway and sunk to my knees, leaning on one of the walls. I sipped my hot Cappuccino, carefully.   
No one came along that hallway for a while, so I could sit there for a long time without disturbance.   
Soon afterwards the question was pulling on me more and more, so I pushed myself up and went back to where Phil’s hallway was. I had to know. I had to. Each step took longer, and my feet stuck to the floors, begging me not to.   
A doctor with a blue clipboard stood outside Phil’s room. I walked up to him and introduced myself “I’m Dan,”  
“Hello,” he said, looking up at me “Can I help you?”  
“I have a question about Phil” I looked at him, searching his face for answers. His eyes darkened, and I found it discomforting  
“How about we sit down, Dan” he said, gesturing to me to sit down with him. So I did, and he sat next to me. I looked down at my steaming cup  
“Will Phil live?” I asked, looking for a simple answer, but getting the opposite  
The doctor sighed deeply “well, Dan, honestly, we don’t think he will. His injuries are heavy and it’s hard to keep him alive as it is. He went into a coma last night.”  
Tears started to grow in my eyes. I couldn’t lose Phil, this wasn’t happening. None of it was real. It was all a dream. I tried to convince myself for a while.   
“Oh god.” I replied, putting my head in my hands, sniffing  
“I’m so sorry; I promise you we’ve done everything we could.”  
“Well it wasn’t enough!” I started to shout “You couldn’t save him! What’s the point of keeping him here if you know he’s not going to get through?!”   
I stood up, but the doctor carried on, so I sat back down again, heavily  
“Dan, this is the thing. We want to know whether you want us to keep him alive, in a coma or” he took a breath before speaking again “‘pull the plug’ as they say” the doctor said to me “We can give you some time to decide,”  
I said nothing. How could I choose to keep him alive like this? He’d be practically dead in a coma. But I couldn’t let him die either. He couldn’t die. I couldn’t let it happen. Either way, I’d never speak to him again.  
I’d never see the sparkle in his eye, or the happiness in his voice. Never again would I be able to talk to him.   
“No.” I told myself “this isn’t happening. It can’t happen. This isn’t real, it can’t be” I carried on trying to convince myself it wasn’t real. It was the only way I could get out of it all. Never seeing Phil again felt so surreal, as if it wasn’t happening, but at the same time, it felt more real than anything.  
“Oh Phil” I said “Why did this have to happen?”   
The emptiness of the corridor surrounded me, suffocating me, drowning me. The silence killed me. I wanted to scream, louder than ever. I hated everything, and it was impossible to find any hope. I might as well die with him.   
This decision was more than I had ever dreamt of. The error that could come out of either choice haunted me. I couldn’t let him live like that, but I couldn’t let him die at the same time. There was no right decision, there was no right decision. Either way I was doing the wrong thing.   
“Why me?” I shouted up at the ceiling “Why did I have to be chosen to do this?”  
The impact this decision could have could change everything. Being without Phil forever, seemed so impossible.   
“This could never happen to me” I told myself  
“Never is a very long time” I heard a voice say. A girl’s voice, young and innocent. I looked up to see a young child staring back at me with large, blue eyes. Her irises were made up of so many colours, blue at first, but then green, and turquoise. She had long, golden hair tied up in a plait down her back. She was small, wearing a green dress with short sleeves.   
“Never is a long time,” I smiled at her, softly “you’re right”  
She smiled back at me “You look like you need a hug.” She said, her eyes glinting with silver light. She hugged me, her arms around my waist. I was caught off guard for a minute, but then sighed and smiled at the kindness of this child. I put one of my arms around her back and she stayed there for a minute before pulling back and smiling at me, full teeth.  
She was missing one of her front teeth, which made her lisp a bit.   
“Why are you sad?” She asked me, with a comforting look.   
“It’s complicated.” I replied, not wanting to tell this poor child about my problems  
“That’s what all the grownups say about my mummy” She looked down at her small feet “She’s ill”  
My eyes filled with pity for this girl. I could tell that her mum was going, just like Phil. We had this in common, losing someone close to you.   
“What’s your name?” I asked her, trying to change the subject without her noticing   
“I’m Bella” she says “What’s yours?”   
“Dan” I say. But as I say it, a man calls her name from down the hallway  
“Bella!” he runs to her, then turns to me “sorry if she’s been bothering you, she got a bit bored and wandered off”  
“She hasn’t been bothering me at all” I say, leaning back in my chair. He walks her back down the corridor, and it’s then that I notice that he has sleepless eyes, red with tire, bags drooping from them.  
I immediately feel bad for him. After all, we’re both in relative situations. He turns a corner with Bella, and I’m alone again.  
I wondered if Phil thought about me before he left. Thinking about how I promised him that he’d live, that I would make sure he stayed alive.  
I felt the pain, eating at me, the broken promise that I couldn’t keep.


	6. Chapter 6

6

By the evening I had made my decision for what would happen to Phil.   
I looked out the window as the sky filled with red and yellow and orange as the sun set, the light leaving the sky minute by minute. I watched as leaves fluttered off the trees, leaving them bare and skinny, just brown sticks from the earth. Leaves danced in the evening light, swirling patterns on the grassy floor outside.  
Inside was warm and people were filling up the waiting room, chatter filling the silence that haunted me earlier.   
I remembered watching Bella walk out of the hospital, her tear abused face wet from crying as her father pulled her out. She looked over at me before leaving, one sad look, before breaking down right in front of me and everyone. I had to look away it was so tragic, this poor girl losing her mum.   
I shook myself out of this nightmare before it could hurt me too much. I had become immune to the memories. I couldn’t feel anything anymore, just numbness.   
My name appeared on the screen ahead and I stood up to speak with the doctor. I walked down an unfamiliar hallway towards room 3b, where I knocked and walked in.   
The doctor sat at his desk, and without looking up, asked me to take a seat, which I did, calmly and quietly.   
He looked at me “this is your decision?”   
I nodded, slowly, containing myself, promising myself that I wouldn’t break down until I was out.   
“You understand that this is a onetime decision?” he said “you won’t go back afterwards”  
I imagined Phil in a room with white walls and one long glass window for people to watch him, forever. I shuddered at the thought and pushed it away before it punched me in the face.  
“Yes, I understand” I said, swallowing.  
“What’s your decision, Daniel?” he asked me, pity in his eyes. I could tell that he already knew my answer. He was just waiting for my confirmation.   
“Let him go” I said, and as soon as it was out tears welled up in my eyes. Phil’s face showed up in my mind, but it wasn’t the same. It was pale and white and thin. It was dead.   
“Alright, Daniel, are you absolutely sure?” he asked me, typing something at his computer  
“Yes” I said, my voice faltering slightly.  
“You can go.” The doctor said “but you can see him once more before it happens”  
I dreaded every step towards Phil’s room. Tears rolled down my cheeks rapidly, but I pretended not to notice them at all.   
Every footstep echoed through the hallways. My heart beat in my ears. All I could hear were blurred noises and beats. Nothing was what it actually was. It was all so surreal.   
I found Phil’s room and took a breath.  
“This is it” I told myself as I twisted the brass doorknob and walked in. Phil seemed to be glowing in the light of the room. I walked towards him, slowly, carefully, as if each step could kill him.  
I remembered his walk, his hands in his pockets, and the swing in his step. The way he talked, like the rain, fast and heavenly. I wondered if he could think. Weather he was thinking of me.  
The doctors told me he might be able to hear me in his coma.   
“Phil,” I broke down “Oh my god, Phil, I’m so sorry” I clutched his hand, cold and white  
He stayed still, no sign he could hear me at all, not even a breath.   
“I couldn’t keep the promise. I’m so sorry we have to end like this, Phil” I said, crying into him “I’d do anything to end this differently”   
I couldn’t withhold the memories, eating Chinese on Tuesday s with him, how he made the best soy Latte I’d ever had, the times we had five hour phone conversations when we were far away from each other. It all came back in flashes, like a kaleidoscope of memories.  
“Heaven is overrated, Phil” I told him “We don’t need to get there to be happy, you know? We can just stay together. Wherever I go I want to be with you”  
I poured everything out, to let him know everything before he went. I, however, wouldn’t ever know anything he wanted to tell me  
“I don’t care where life takes us. We stay together though. You won’t leave me though, will you Phil?” I asked his un-answering body “you’re not going to leave me again.”  
I found that I wasn’t even talking to Phil anymore, just trying to convince myself, once more, that Phil wasn’t really going to leave me. He would stay with me, and tell me bad jokes and make funny comments. I missed him talking during a movie, I missed his laugh. I missed him.   
“Phil,” I said, and I couldn’t believe I was about to say this, but it came out anyway. I could never have told him this if he was looking at me. It’s so much harder when you can see their reaction.  
“I think I love you.” I told him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tension builds* I loved writing this chapter tbh. Hope you enjoyed it.


	7. Chapter 7

7

The doctor walked in while I was still clutching onto Phil’s hand, warming it. It would go cold all too soon. I ignored the doctor, not even looking up when he put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me.   
“Do you want more time?” he asked me politely, smiling sadly.  
I shook my head. More time wouldn’t do anything. He wasn’t going to come back, not now, not ever.  
I stood up and walked behind the doctor, where he was pressing buttons on some kind of machine. I watched Phil, absorbing every detail of him before it was too late. His ebony hair, like always, was swept over one side of his face, and smooth down the back of his head. His eyes were closed, like if he was sleeping  
My eyes were already red and swollen, but I kept myself from crying again. I knew that if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop.   
The doctor placed a hand on my shoulder to comfort me as I watched Phil, the last moments of Phil’s existence, when everything would crumble down on to me.   
The doctor unplugged a wire from the machine and let it fall. The seconds hung in the air, and Phil’s last heart beat echoed throughout my mind. It wasn’t real, none of it could be real.  
His body lay still and quiet for so long that I couldn’t bear it. Phil was dead. Dead.   
I stumbled back and hit the wall with my back. I slid down it, clutching my knees into my chest. I pressed my face into my knees, telling myself that it wasn’t true. Phil was alive, none of this even happened. I would wake up and Phil would be in the kitchen, making coffee, or hot chocolate, anything.   
The doctor watched me with sympathetic eyes, but left after a minute. I suffered alone, with Phil’s dead body only meters away.  
I shakily stood up, pulling myself up by clutching objects around me. I walked, slowly over to him.   
“Phil.” I said, my voice breaking slightly, faltering “Phil, please”  
I leant down into Phil’s body and held his cold, pale hand. I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb, oddly calming me.  
“I need you Phil” tears began falling down my abused cheeks, staining them once in many times with salty tears.   
The silence of the room was so unbearable, with not even Phil’s heartbeats to echo through the walls  
“Phil!” I shouted at him, as if he could somehow hear me “Phil, come back!”  
I pleaded to him over and over again, even though I knew it wouldn’t change anything. Phil would always be dead and I would always be alone.  
I stopped and took a deep breath in “come back you jerk.” I whispered to him, resting my head on his shoulder. He lay still, his eyes still closed, never to open again.  
I couldn’t believe I had let him down again. I lied to him; I told him he’d be okay.  
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you” I said to him.  
I noticed something on the table next to him: a small notebook with “PHILIP LESTER” written in Phil’s neat handwriting on the cover. I picked it up, carefully, turning it over in my hands.   
I opened it, to find that Phil had written on almost every single page, dedicating each one to me.  
I turned to the last entry, to find his last thoughts before his coma:  
Dan-  
I think we both know what’s about to happen to me. Please don’t hate yourself for anything you’ve said to me or done. You’ve been so special in my life, and I’ll miss you.  
Know that even when I’m not here anymore, I won’t give up, not now, not ever. I won’t give up on you, especially, Dan. I won’t give up on us.  
I hope that you read this, because I want you to know that I love you. I always will, even when I can’t tell you in person. You’ve come so far, Dan, and I want you to know that I’ll always be with you.   
It may get rough sometimes, but I’m giving you all my love, and I’ll never, ever stop. You and I both know that.   
Goodbye Dan.  
~Phil~

 

I read it through many times, absorbing every word, feeling Phil through the writing, these scratches on rough paper that meant the world to me.   
I lost Phil, and I would never see him again. I was so scared for what the future held for me. The future was in my hands, and I knew I’d never be the same again after losing Phil. I loved him still, even when he was gone, I would never be able to talk to him again, that last convocation we had was the end.  
I looked at Phil’s body through the dim light, his face soft and empty, with his black hair falling over it. I brushed his hair away from his face and the corner of my mouth lifted a bit. He was so perfect. I couldn’t help but smile in this moment of pure beauty.   
I stood up and walked away from Phil, slowly, counting every footstep, my feet sticking to the soles of my shoes. I got to the door and twisted the handle, carefully.   
I stopped and looked back at Phil one last time. The last time I’d ever see him. The desk light shone on him like a spotlight, his pale skin glinting in it.   
“I won’t give up, Phil Lester, not now, not ever” I said, before leaving, shutting the door behind me, and as it closed, I watched him through the quickly closing gap.   
It shut, and with it went my heart, and soul and mind. I was empty, completely, nothing went through my mind, I was just another group of atoms, not a person, not a human.   
I got back into my car and drove away. It was dark outside and I only had the streetlights and my car headlights for vision. I didn’t drive straight home, but I went to the motorway and drove fast.  
The wind swirled past my windows, which I left wide open. It was at this point when I could finally feel alone. No cars were on the road and I felt completely deserted. Alone.   
I screamed. I screamed for a long time, and I felt as if my lungs could burst, but I kept on screaming until I couldn’t anymore, when I just cried.   
“PHIL!” I screamed his name over and over. Memories flooded into my mind, breaking me into tiny pieces, shattering me. I kept thinking back, further each time, until I got to my first memory of Phil.  
“Dan?” Phil was in the passenger seat. My head turned, and I frowned. It was him, it was really him. I stopped the car  
“What? Phil? No it- you’re dead!” I cried, and thumped the wheel “What’s happening to me”  
I sobbed onto the steering wheel, my forehead pressed into it. I looked back up to see him gone. What was happening to me?  
I went straight home, trying to ignore everything around me, trying to block everything out.   
I didn’t bother turning on the lights, I just sat there in the grey light of my apartment. Everything was still the same, the TV, the lamps, the posters. Everything was as if nothing happened. Soon it would all be gone. All Phil’s belongings, gone.   
I went into Phil’s room, without turning the light on. I opened his closet and took his favourite shirt. Red and blue checked, a button up shirt. I took mine off and wore Phil’s, doing it up and sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. I never imagined it would end like this.   
I sat there on the floor, remembering everything about him, his firm handshake, the way he walked with a swing in his step, hands in his pockets, the way he’d brush the hair out of his face.   
“Phil” I whispered, the name forever on my lips.  
I watched his life through a window in my mind, and feel myself forget him slowly. One day he’d just be a fond memory.   
I hoped the sun shined where he was, I hoped it was a nice place, I hoped he missed me as much as I missed him. I didn’t know how to be something he missed though. I never thought this would ever happen, ever.   
All I wanted was for him to put his arm around me, and bring me back to reality. Where nothing was grey and black, it was colourful and never boring, not with Phil.  
I lay on the cold, wooden floor of Phil’s bedroom, and sleep, drifting into nothingness, hoping to never awaken. Just stay there for my whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S SO HARD TO WRITE THIS IT'S SO SAD


	8. Chapter 8

8.  
I find myself on Phil’s floor in the morning, still wearing Phil’s shirt. Tears had stained my cheeks, and made my face damp.   
I remembered why.  
No feelings came from remembering. Not sadness, not relief, not angst. Not anything. I felt emotionless, incapable of feeling anything.   
I stood up, feeling old and crippled, not feeling like the twenty-two-year-old, but a ninety-year-old. I wanted to just end it all. I wanted Phil to come back.  
It was so empty and lonely in the apartment without him. It was so silent and alone. It felt different without him.   
There was a knock at my door and I lazily opened it to find no one there. I was angry at first that people would prank me on such a bad day, but then I noticed the flowers on the floor.  
I bent down and picked up the red, pink and yellow and brought them inside, locking the door again. I went to the sitting room and sat in my usual spot on the leather couch and turned the flowers over in my hands. There was a note attached to them- dedicated to me.   
In fancy, curling handwriting, I read:  
Dan-  
I’m dreadfully sorry for the loss of your friend  
~Tania~ 

Tania was the nurse at the hospital. He hadn’t seen her for ages. He didn’t even think she cared about him at all, he thought that she was just doing her job. She actually took the time to find his address and send him flowers.   
He smiled for the first time in a while, and put the flowers in a vase by the window.   
The sun shone in through the gap in the curtains, beaming a ray of light onto the flowers, making small water droplets on the petals stand out, glistening in the light, making little shadows on the window ledge.   
The room smelt like Phil, too much like him. His presence filled the emptiness of the room, the dark hole in my heart beating like a drum.  
I realized that I was just walking aimlessly around our apartment, so I took a shower and put on one of Phil’s clean t-shirts and pulled on a pair of boxers and black skinny jeans. I couldn’t be bothered to straighten my hair so I just left the house with my car keys, house keys, and phone and picked up the journal that Phil had written in before. I stroked the leather cover, tracing my fingers over the smooth surface.  
I coughed back tears, just looking at the book. The last pieces of Phil’s existence. I couldn’t help but smile. He left it for me, no one else but me because he loved me.   
I rushed out the apartment and slammed the door shut, not caring what time it was. I took the elevator, although it was extremely slow. I tapped my fingers on the wall hurriedly waiting for the elevator to arrive. I found my foot tapping angrily on the floor, before the light flashed and I heard a ‘ding!’ and the doors slid open.   
I pressed the ground floor button and rushed out the building. I jumped into my car and drove off down the road, all windows open and blowing my hair in my face. 

Stopping at traffic lights, I had time to brush my bangs out of my face, and for a moment, I was sure I saw Phil drive past. I was absorbed in the car that drove off that I forgot to go when the light went green.   
Was it Phil? It sure as hell looked like it. But Phil was dead, and I had to keep reminding myself. It wasn’t Phil, and it never would be. Phil would never open his eyes again, his beautiful blue eyes that you could go swimming in.   
I stopped at a field I had never been to before. It was King George V’s field. Or KG5 as people from our neighbourhood called it. I swung open the wooden gate and walked up a slope to an open field, a completely empty open field. The grass was long, and the trees hung over me, shielding my eyes from the sun as I walked through the field. I walked all the way up the hill, where I could sit, finally.   
Nothing blocked my view of the beautiful scenery, not a tree, not a cloud, nor the sun. Everything was placed perfectly, as if someone planned the whole place out to the exact centimetre, everything so precise.   
I opened the book, expecting to find a hidden message in the front cover or something, but no, there were just the entries and the place where it all ended. I took my wallet out of my jeans pocket and tore out the last page that Phil wrote in, in the journal, folded it, and slid it into the black piece of fabric.   
I noticed that I had tears rolling down my cheeks, dripping onto the pages, making small tear stains in the book. Each tear left a little crinkle in the paper, slightly darker and greyer patches covered one of the pages. I closed the book again and hugged it, close to my chest, every beat of my heart beating into it.  
I stayed there for a while, I felt close to Phil, closer than I had felt to him for a while. I missed him more than anything. I’d give all of this up to have him back with me.   
I could feel his arm wrap around my waist and pull me into his chest. His fingers played with my hair, and it was just us two, in the whole world. No one else to bother us, or to stop us. I could stay in the moment forever, if only it was real.  
I opened my eyes, realizing I had fallen asleep, holding the book to my chest. The sky was dark and grey clouds formed over my head. Nothing was perfect anymore; the world had turned to grey. It was going to rain.  
I couldn’t bring myself to stand up again, and every time I tried, I couldn’t stay up for long, so I just stayed sitting down.   
Even when light raindrops started spitting at me, wetting my clothes and hair, even when it began to rain heavily, making raindrops land on the bridge of my nose and slide down, soaking me from head to toe, I still didn’t lift myself from the ground.  
I hid the notebook inside my coat, where it would stay reasonably dry for now. I sat and stared at the grey abyss of the world. How something could turn from something so wonderful to something so cold and grey was so predictable.   
My wet hair stuck to my neck and face, and my clothes were soaked through. I shivered and something clicked inside me and got me thinking more like Dan Howell again.   
“Oh god, I need to get out of here” I thought out loud, standing up and running down the hill and slipping on the wet grass. I ran through the rain, all the way back down the slope and into my warm, dry car. I collapsed on the front seat, out of breath, and began to drive home.   
I stopped my car outside the building, and opened my door to get out, but a small envelope fell from the car door. I didn’t recognise it as mine, but I picked it up and walked into the building with it.  
When I got back inside, I changed clothes into something dry and warm and put the soaking wet ones in the wash. I dried my hair and finally collapsed onto the leather couch in my usual space.  
I took the envelope and opened it carefully. Inside was a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it, curiously, and a picture fell out, and floated onto the cream carpet.  
I picked it up and saw it was of me and Phil together at playlist live. It was a really happy time for me, and made me grin to myself. I turned over the picture and on the back was a handwritten message:  
Dan-  
You’re my best friend, and I want us to always be friends forever   
\- Phil   
I smiled when I saw it, but I was still confused. How long ago had he hidden this? When did he plan on me finding it? I opened the folded note and began to read. Phil’s handwriting wasn’t the best, but I understood it.   
Dan, I had loads of fun with you this week, and I always do. And to be honest, I’m kind of worried. I’m scared that one day we won’t be best friends and we won’t share these memories together. I don’t want to lose you, ever, Dan. We’re best friends, and shouldn’t we stay this way? I love you Dan, please never leave me.   
I put my hand over my mouth to stop myself from crying out. He was scared of losing me, and now I’ve lost him. He would always be my best friend though, no matter what, even if he was dead.   
I cursed at the ceiling and put the letter down on the coffee table. I cursed and cursed, swearing at everything that I thought of.   
I couldn’t bare losing him. He needed to be my best friend; he needed to be here with me. I couldn’t believe I lost him. I was so afraid.   
I crouched on the floor, putting my hands over my head, and lay there until I couldn’t feel anything anymore, no pain, and no struggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's nearly finished :(


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happy bit comes (finally)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter coming soon I hope?

9.  
I dreamed about Phil that night. I dreamed that I got a phone call that he was alive and everything was okay, but I woke up, and nothing was okay. Phil was still gone, and things were about to change drastically.   
I yawned and stretched, then got up to go to the bathroom. I took one look at myself in the mirror and was immediately filled with disgust.  
My eyes were red and swollen and my cheeks were stained with tears. The corners of my mouth turned downwards automatically, and my forehead had a crease in it. I suddenly looked and felt old, really old. Like everything in my life was coming to an end.   
I splashed water on my face to wake me up. I ended up washing my whole face with warm, soapy water to calm me, and soothe me. It did make me look more or less normal, but I didn’t feel like it.  
I went back to my bedroom and turned on my straighteners. I might as well get back to my daily routine; after all, moping around all day wouldn’t get me anywhere.  
I wasn’t concentrating when straightening my hair and accidentally burnt myself on the straighteners. I swore at them, cursing myself. I tried to concentrate more, and stop thinking about Phil.  
I decided I’d make a video, to tell my viewers what happened. They’d be mortified, and I knew it was horrible to break it to them in a 3 minute video, so I told myself I’d make a long one for a change. It wouldn’t make it any less painful for them, but it would be fair to them if I told them everything. After all, they were practically family to me.   
I took Phil’s tripod from the corner of his room and brought it into mine. I set it up and placed my camera on top of it and pressed record. Nothing special, just a normal video.   
I was silent for a minute, just looking down at my hands, thinking about what to say. I looked up at the lens of the camera and saw my reflection, how sad and alone I looked.   
“Hey Internet” I started “I haven’t seen you guys for a while. It may have seemed like both Phil and I dropped off the face of the earth.”  
“Well,” I said “it’s half right.” I sighed to myself “Phil is… gone. Properly gone, dead, done.”   
“There are so many things I could say about Phil, but nothing could properly explain how terrible this is. Nothing could possibly explain how wrong it feels” I wiped a tear away from my cheek “He was the most brilliant person on this earth. He was amazing. Amazing Phil.”  
I continued, then found myself blushing a brilliant shade of crimson. I stopped.  
“It’s gone now. He’s gone now. I’m so sorry guys. He was in a car accident, and was in hospital for a week, before they let him go” I said, letting tears roll down my cheeks and drip off my chin into my lap “He loves you. I love you”  
I carried on talking to them, and was in the middle of talking, when the doorbell rang. I stopped recording and turned the camera off.   
I stood up and wiped my tears away, sniffing into my shirt sleeve.   
I twisted the door handle and opened the door slowly.   
There in front of me stood the person I least expected to be there. Phil.  
I frowned in disbelief, as tears began uncontrollably falling down my face. We just stood there looking at each other for a while. Both of us were crying, I couldn’t bear to see him cry.   
I couldn’t even understand if he was real or not before he flung his arms around my neck and pushed himself into a hug. I pulled him into the house and closed the door behind him before returning the hug.   
“What the hell Phil” I whispered into his ear. He sobbed into my shoulder.  
I pulled him into the living room, where I could finally see him properly. It was definitely him. “YOU WERE DEAD” I yelled at him, hugging him harder “You were fucking dead” I said into his shoulder.   
“I know, Dan, I know” he stroked my hair, comfortingly “I’m not now, look, I’m here. I’m here”  
“But… I…You…What?” I asked him, looking at him, trying to find an answer in his eyes that I thought would remain closed forever.   
“The doctors managed to redeem me. They found a way. They tried to call you but couldn’t reach you” Phil grabbed my hand  
I said nothing, but I hugged him, letting tears fall onto his shoulder, absorbed in his shirt.   
“Phil” I whispered into his shoulder “I was so scared. Alone. I was nothing”  
Phil rubbed my back; I felt his heartbeat, fast and alive. Definitely alive.   
“I’m sorry, Dan.” Phil said, I felt him sob into my shoulder “I love you”  
“I love you too Phil” I said, looking him in the eye, and grinning at him.


End file.
